THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
A lot of blood, a lot of liquor. I bite my tongue. I might as well just set all my cash on fire, might as well just throw it all away. A lot of blood, a lot of prayer. James rests one hand on my shoulder, just for a moment, before wandering away
I feel old and infantile- I hid in bed all day, making no noise, trying not to be known. She knocked on my bedroom door six times, sent several angry text messages. When she was asleep I ventured out. I slept the whole day, willing myself into unconsciousness.
I dream I have older brothers. They pull me out of the sea. Force the water out of my lungs.
Several days earlier: Sit in a circle, a group of strangers, with a box of tissue in the centre, two doctors- 'I'm just barely holding it all in,' I say, 'Barely holding back the tide, barely containing the hurricane.'
It's a room full of death- There is one silent boy, a girl who can no longer feel, a man ready to explode, and a girl who's all locked up, and then there's me, barely stitched together, unable to sit still.
I'm wearing high heels and red lipstick. A familiar refrain. Bored, lonely. Lonely, bored. Lovesick, heartsick, lonely. Lonely! 'It's getting a little weird in here,' I say.
They say, 'We wish we had anything to say to you,' but I'm glad they don't.
The half drunkenness of withdrawal slides up and down my spine as I walk to the train station, the big looming hotel, the big curve of the brick buildings, the big glass arches. I'm sick of the city, dreaming about swamps and men I might come to love. Winter never quite arrived, but it's raining and my hair's coming undone, I lost a button from my coat and it hangs open, exposed. No money for the bus. A spoke on my umbrella is bent. A thirty minute walk.
The feeling of really, really running; of something big and dull and heaving slowly carving out my insides, of the constant anger, the constant anger, rage- I return to an old form. Feral.
It takes a strong heart, and yours is fierce-
Literally, figuratively tearing my own skin off.
Lonely, bored. Lonely, lonely, lonely.