THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
A long and winding post:
I've been really unwell for a long time. Things have been really weird for a long time.
But out of all the insanity, the depression, the mania, the unrequited love, I got something really important. I mean, something that, in theory, I understood to be important, but in practice had never really executed.
Romantic love really changed my entire DNA. I might have been asleep before that time. I feel like I had been asleep for a long time.
Romantic love and unrequited love tore me into ten thousand pieces and completely unhinged me, but I was reassembled into someone much better.
But out of everything, the importance of romantic love really fell to the wayside. Having people who will stand beside you for no reason, for just friendship, just love- I don't think I ever understood how active really caring about people is. This is an important thing. I was a shitty friend before- not intentionally. I just didn't know, or realise, or was not capable-
I don't know what the excuse is.
I don't really know where I went off the rails- Initially I mean, and with all of this- I think self consciousness, the exhaustion of feeling like your fighting for no real reason, with no reward-
My life isn't what I would ideally want, but the dissatisfaction is only an itched to be worked through and for the first time in a really long time, ever, my eyes feel sharp and clear. The medication works. The things that I want aren't twisted up in depression and self denial.
I still don't know how to get them- There's no action to take, not directly-
I am impressed by much different things than I used to be. Being normal was really boring and being weird without my choice or consent was torture and being cool and fashionable was passionless. Trying to rearrange my essential parts in a desperate attempt to win over someone who would never really love me was complete self destruction.
The outfit I put on to recover was all tits and eyelashes. It worked how I wanted it to, and I had both power and control. I learned how to get people to do what I wanted without being awful, to be in charge, to be beautiful but untouchable, to never move out of the driver's seat.
I shed that skin now, and it wasn't fully by choice. I want to be the person I wanted to be when I was fifteen and sixteen years old. I don't want to be the person I thought would be okay to be for a while when I was eighteen. I want to be what I always really believed was good and important, but what wasn't cool, wasn't hip, didn't fit in at art school, in san Francisco, in London---
I sat down to write this for a different reason. I've been thinking a lot about the things that used to be important to me as a teenager and passion and enthusiasm- and being really punk rock and feminism et cetera-
Basically, I just wanted to say, and I don't even know how I got here or exactly how it relates to everything else- I really love you sarah and I'm so happy and grateful that I met you and got to know you and had you as a presence in my life because it was really important to me and I think I would have been much different if it weren't for you.
And I haven't been around for a long time because I've been crazy and weird, but the time that we did spend talking was completely invaluable to me and I can't even tell you how amazing it was to feel like there was somehow out there, even if they weren't close enough to touch, who really knew me completely changed who I was and meant the entire world to me.
And I think that the love and the friendship I felt for you really created my idea of what was important to have in my life and what I thought was important, more so than with most people who I actually knew.
And I think you're really beautiful and I want so badly for you to be happy and healthy and good and I never gave up hope that we'd meet in person one day and I hope we still do.
And thank you so, so much