THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
My teenage years are far away from me. I can still feel them sometimes.
I have a stomach virus and it means that I can't absorb any antidepressants. It is disheartening to know that I am still medically out of my mind- the chemical balance is precarious. I've been withdrawing for days. Little lightning bolts inside my head and down my spine. I am nauseous all day and my mind is too fast at night.
I thought I was getting better but it was just effective pills-
And now-
I am mourning in such a way that I cannot put words to paper yet. My grief is too much, too unreal, too insane. All that prayer, the tears and the pleading- and no resolution. I do not believe it is death yet, it is too senseless, too cutting.
There is something hanging on this. It affected us all too much, too deeply.
saint Anothony, saint Francis, Mary- It is too cruel to be true, but I don't know why this is infinitely crueller than any other time, why this was too precious-
I cry at the thought of it, withdrawing or not- It is not a trifle, it is not the medication, we do not speak of sadness or of loss but actual grief, an actual process of mourning-
Come back home. I dream of where to find you. Come back home.