THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
The hallmark of my life is cowardice
Not mental illness or trauma or isolation
Or Catholic school or being an expatriate at 20 or art school or confessionals or antidepressants or unrequited love or being penniless or blonde hair or high heels or being a waitress
Just cowardice
As a teenager, as an adult
I ran 6000 miles away just so I could breathe
I sit in an infinite number of offices in front of an infinite number of doctors, just so I can keep talking and work an infinite number of jobs in customer service so my interaction is limited in time
I abandoned everyone I know and go back and abandon them again
I give everything up
It does not matter which town or which country my room is in, I lock myself inside it and stay there and do not move
I am not unloved because I am terrible or because I am not clever or because I am not beautiful or because I am coarse or because I am ill
Just cowardice, always