THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
I sometimes wonder if this diary- Er, website- has really been the best thing to happen to me in the past four years.
I don't know. I think it has been. Meaning Sarah, really.
This weekend, my best friend, Miss Los Angeles 2006, is participating in her three thousandth Southern California beauty thing. She's also spending the summer teaching autistic children in a summer camp and going to Ghana for a month to help teach children English. I mostly hate her.
My other best friend is going to the funeral of her twenty year old cousin's husband, James, who was in the military. He had cancer. They have a one year old son. The girls I hang out with at school are going to a big bonfire in Long Beach being thrown by one of the manskanks from the department. Emily and Angeline are going to the Star Wars Convention.
We went to the Percussion party on... What was it? Wednesday, maybe? We ate mangoes and macadamia nuts and they played this one Beatles record over and over and over again, really loud, and everybody laid on the floor talking about Chain Reaction, and there was this freshman girl who kept calling everybody a cunt every chance she could and all these safety pins attatched to her sweater. And I told Noah that I agreed with him, that, yes, of course, his sister is a decietful hateful whore, just because it was funny. I don't even know Noah. I couldn't really remember why we had come, since we weren't actually in Percussion, but my head hurt and so did my jaws and my ears because, apparently, I have a lot of tension.
We had our last mass of the year this week. My last mass... Ever, I guess. All the seniors were crying and everybody kept going "So, last Joseph's mass of the year. Are you excited?!"
It's funny. It's all funny.
For the first time, I'm having... I don't know. Mixed feelings, I suppose. I guess all my past comes back and bites me sometimes. I just... Sometimes, I can't even look in the mirror because I swear it'll be what I was staring back at me... All of that feels so blurry, looking back on it, except that I remember the soundtrack and I remember this website and I remember the illnesses.
I dreamt about vampires, about cupcakes, about doors without hinges or knobs, about Alice in Wonderland references, and about runninng and running and running and running.
My mother's best friend who lives in Seattle got out of a seven hour surgery on her spinal chord a few weeks ago. They think she'll probably never walk again. She was a social worker who worked with the worst child abuse cases, the worst of the worst, and she lives in a really small, narrow house that a wheelchair couldn't get through.
I have a really hard time not being able to say what I think. I just... Of course it's hard and it isn't fair, but...
Well, anyway.
My stomach's still being tied it knots about everything. If I could skip all of next year, I would. Unless it happens like they joke it will. The idea of that kind of kindness...
It's my sister's birthday on Saturday. I have a really hard time finding any sunscreen higher than SPF 50. I need, like, SPF 150. It's like they want to keep me inside...