THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
I remember that week last summer- I think it was July. That whole week where I just...
I don't know. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor and sobbing hysterically and just wanting to die, and...
Oh, we were talking about the last day of school where Mr. Crockett told Becca that she would have trouble with men and would move around a lot and would always be happy and that Frenchie needed to get away from her mother but would do really well and that Jordan just needed to do whatever she liked first, and he told me that I "needed to get my shit together and stop fucking around."
It's been one of those kinds of weeks.
I got points taken off an assignment because I was 'too cynical' and 'a non-factual pessimist'.
This, for some reason, was almost very funny to me. But I guess I also always know when not to argue.
I guess there's no real way of explaining it. I don't think I've ever met anyone who's really a pessimist, and they're all I hang out with. No one who's cynical like we are feels it all the way... You just... We're not stupid, that's all. It's usually the people, from what I know, that are the most... I don't know. Sensitive. And empathetic, and romantic, and the ones who actually... I don't know. Believe in people, but just keep getting fucked over.
That's not cynicism, that's just damage.
We talked about that the other day, too. The idea that everybody's just got their damage and you can't decide where yours falls in comparison. I just never bother. Everybody wants to pick away at people. I guess it's almost good they never learned when to stop like...
Well, like we did...
I've been thinking too much, lately. The more I do, the more angry I start to feel again, and the more bleak and the more slighted. The need to get someplace different is so powerful sometimes. You know, I know that I'm gonna fuck up. There's no risk. I just need... I don't know. Movement.
Something.
New friends, mostly. I need new friends. I'm tired of everybody, and I don't know why they aren't tired of me, yet.
I think I'm just clocking up reasons inside about why I feel so slighted by everybody. My parents, mostly. My friends, my teachers. I don't like that, and I don't want to just be... Bitter.
But... I don't know. Come on. I can't just throw it out as chance, and it comes back to get me enough that I can't just lay things to rest...
I can't believe they get angry at what they made. Twelve years old... I didn't choose this, it was built up around me, and now it's my fault. It almost cracks me up. We are 100% total chaos, and they want me to do what they did within structure. I'm not like they are.
And, you fucking ass, you say the word 'passe' one more time...
Like you know anything. You hate yourself and your job and your life and you're obsessive and anal and ridiculous. You panic constantly and judge absolutely everyone to these ridiculous standards that you yourself couldn't pass in a lifetime...
I hate being angry...
Feel everything or feel nothing at all...
Read all the lyrics to Mellon Collie again last night, for the first time in a long time. It's so... I don't know. Special. It still means so much, and it's so big- So just gigantic that every time it unfolds itself even more, even further into something even more incredible. I can't read lyrics, but there's something different about those...
I don't know. I just feel tired. I could kill my mother for the way she acts and they way she makes everyone else feel, sometimes.
She could probably kill me too...