THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
You know, I've just got no patience for people who are unkind. Or who hold grudges. Everyone I know is a total ass, but the idea of any of us being sincere in our frequent verbal abuse or about any of us being selfish enough to hold something against somebody... It's just stupid. It's stupid to care that much. We've all always been laid back and we'll always choose to forgive somebody before we choose to waste effort disliking them, but... I don't know. It bothers me, I think.
You spend time on people you like. Not people you don't and it takes about ten thousand times more energy to be mean that it does to be nice.
And, for the record, way to be a total asshole about it. Twice! And in front of other people! And in a way where you don't just say "Hey, you fucked up", but in a way that really only says "Hey, I'm a total fucking jerk."
Not even giving anyone the chance to apologize because you're such a douche when you see them face to face that there's no chance of actual words getting out...
I guess I was sorry at one point...
They ask me if I'm sad I'm leaving. No, of course I'm not. I have, what? Two friends? I mean, besides Alix? Two who I actually like and am, you know, friend friends with? And only one of whom I would spend any time with outside of school?
I just... I don't really think it's hard to be nice... I mean, just nice where necessary because I know I'm a fucking jerk 90% of the time, but I... I don't know. I'm always all talk because that's all anyone cares about. The rest of you...
Way to make everybody else really, really fucking unwanted, you know? Way to be these massive stupid elitists all the fucking time. It's just a little ridiculous. It really is. I hate to walk around with these stupid 'I feel left out with everybody, and I never actually know why' thing but...
I've fucking been there for three years and I see every single one of you every single day.
I had such an angry day today... But you know... I just... I don't know. I hate everybody. I don't really care about any of them and they make it very obvious that they don't care about me. I keep jumping for the chance to change, but it's like I was born without some sort of necessary 'relatability' gene. I don't make friends because no one cares about anything that I care about. Nobody fucking gets anything.
Maybe everyone's just too young for any humanity... What the fuck does it take to show anyone that you can spend ten seconds of you're day caring about them, though?
Teenagers and adults...
I hate to turn this into a metaphor or something, but it's like I woke up one day and all of a sudden it was just like "Surprise! Everybody's a fucking asshole!... Good luck with that..."
I always take the time out to think of something really good about a person who I don't like... And I just... I don't know. I wish really good things for all of you and I'm sure I just have the wrong impression of you and you've got the wrong impression of me, but... It's like I get to know what it is that I want, I just don't get to have it.
Seeing good in people doesn't make me like them anymore than I did before, it just makes me feel bitter.
I just want to poke my own eyes out somedays. I don't even know what fun is anymore because everyone else's idea is completely retarded. I just want to go out in the universe and run into people I don't know and take pictures of things I've already seen in ways that I haven't and I want to fucking care about something and be around people who care about it too. I want people who let things mean anything. People who fucking get it. People who get it and don't act like such selfish morons all the fucking time. People who are okay with sincerity and who tell stories and listen to other people's. People who just...
I don't even fucking know. I was just born on a seperate planet. Everything I know is different from what everybody else knows, and it makes me crazy.
Just come out with me to look at things and tell stories and take pictures and draw pictures because it's funny and listen to songs that are important and not about being sad or in love or stupid or angry.
None of this seems hard to me. None of seems hard to work out.
I put all my faith in the idea that it'll come next year or the year after that, but I don't see why it would. Just more gigantic fucking let downs and people who couldn't be bothered. People who already have their little inside things and their own little interests and their own little everythings.
Maybe everyone forgets what I used to be. I don't know if I talked to anybody at all for about three years in a row. I was always such a massive outsider. In a clinical kind of way, I mean. I never rested anything in anybody else because I never had anybody fucking else. I never had the friends whose houses I ran off to and who I told secrets to or boys that I liked or parties that I went to or anything.
All I ever had was what I liked and what I was good at. That was it.
I mean... I don't even know how to explain it. I never had anybody.
I figured out how to hold onto something for long enough to make me seem like I had it, and it gave me a little bit of voice left- It gave me... I don't know. I wasn't fucking lonely anymore. I mean, I was... Out in the real world. But... But it was okay because people who were like me... They...
I don't know. It was all I fucking had.
Somedays, I think it's still all I fucking have. Just this big giant idea and the sort of vague knowledge that, you know, the universe exists and there are people who won't make me want to immediately kill myself.
Funny how far ideas will get you...
I mean... Jesus fucking Christ.
I don't even know anymore... I keep trying to close the envelope on anger, and it just keeps coming back....