THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
Happy, but fantastically vacant.
We drive to Pasadena every Saturday and we go through those five tunnels and I realized today that I've been wishing for the same thing every single time, through every single tunnel, for the past... Oh, like I even fucking know.
I'm tired of trying to convince everyone else that I'm not interesting. I actually said "I'm interesting in a terrifying memoir kind of way, I'm interesting in a therapists couch kind of way." to them. You know, good for stories, but I feel like that's all I've really got, somedays. I am all my own stupid schtick, and I don't even care. Sure, great, yeah, you're right.
I'm still not sure where everyone I know went and why they're all so fantastically boring lately. Why everyone seems to like these totally ridiculously uninteresting things and why they have such ridiculously uninteresting things to say, and why cynicism makes me want to pull my hair out and sincerity is almost infinitely hilarious. I don't care what anyone thinks because I've just given in.
I used to try to be different, then I tried to convince myself that I was still the same. I used to think I was different from everyone else, then I stop eliminating borders from myself and the universe and now... You know, fine.
Everybody's always dying and overdosing and cheating and lying and no one ever does.
I'm so okay with being the same, being worse off as everyone around me, and I end up falling somewhere far outside their leagues.
I have something, and no one within ten years holds it the same way. The way they talk, you'd think that really, no one anywhere did.
It's all fucked. And I don't even really understand.
Violently solitary.
Milena and Alix are my family, not my friends. I have no idea what they think of me, but I guess it's probably nothing really, since I think the same of them. I don't think of them, I just love them.
But family doesn't exist in the real world.
Family doesn't mean anything, or at least I never learned it.
I can't help but be resentful towards them, either. I hate resent and I hate bitterness, but what did you give me to fall back on? Some families have nothing and some have a lot- Mine... I don't even know. You can't put people like we are together. We don't interact, we pass through. We live such seperate lives. I don't know anything about them and they don't know anything about me, and we don't even care.
I need something. I don't know, friends, anything. Friends who aren't people I just spend time with and friends who aren't my family.
Something.
You give me a future and then constantly threaten to tear it down. I burnt my bridges, but I love the total lack of faith that gets continually shown.
It's like I speak a different language.
It's like everyone is tuned into some sort of seperate system, like they all know something that I don't.
Everything I touch, I turn to empty. It's like I go all the way out of my way to make things mean absolutely nothing.
And I put all my faith, I rest all my weight on something that isn't even real, that doesn't even exist. I'll talk and talk on this, but there are some days when nothing else matters.
Build my net, and then let everything else... Happen, I don't know.
I can know whether or not I'm going to get along with someone within ten seconds of talking to them.
I wonder if it's the same, if I know that I going to love them.
self awarness/detatchment/growth
self awarness/detatchment/growth
self awarness/detatchment/growth
self awarness/detatchment/growth
Sure.