THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
I haven't felt like this in I don't know how long, and I've never cried like I cried last night.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
Again.
Last night I cried so hard, and it felt so good, but I feel so lost and hopeless and twisted up inside.
I need help or something. I don't want to do this all alone again... I just can't even explain. It hasn't been this way for such a long time.
I was so happy, and so... I don't know. So grateful, and blessed, and I think I am, and for the first time in my whole life I feel like I don't just have a llight at the end of the tunnel, I have... I don't know. A tunnel. And yet, still, every time I stop moving I get so upset I just want to die.
I hate it, because I was doing so well. So well.
And last night was incredible, and I cried and cried and cried and cried but I did it because I felt happy and lucky and blessed- That even though I had all this shit around me, that even though I had all that- I had something to look forward to. Something that I wanted and something that I cared about.
I didn't go to school today, and I walked down to the beach and sat as far away from everyone else that I possibly could. I just sat there for hours and hours watching the tide come in, and I just couldn't stop thinking. I feel so lost and hopeless right now.
And I keep waiting and looking for answers, and the ability to put the future aside for a minute and deal with all my shit right now. I need to work on myself in the real world. I don't know how, when I feel so good about myself internally, it turns out that I've fucked myself over so badly it's almost ridiculous.
I just... I don't know.
Lost is such a good word.
And all of a sudden.
All of a sudden, I'm just so scared about things and worried and I feel like I lost absolutely all the control that I had.
And there's nothing I can do except stick it out. Just ride it through. That's all I've ever been able to do.
My life is really beautiful and wonderful when I stop thinking about how the world is trying to influence it. I can't explain.
Worrying about school just fucks me over and eats me up. When I don't- When I just go and I know that who I am and how I act and the kinds of priorities I take morally are infinitely more important that what grade I get on my algebra test- Life is as it should be.
And then I stop and realize that I'm failing three classes and how can I expect to do that and really expect to do... Anything...
In thinking about the future, I push myself so much farther away from it.
I'm not making any sense.
Writing calms me down. Writing here calms me down, and you calm me down.
And... I don't know. I know I wasn't crazy when I cried like I did last night. That was a cry that I've been waiting for my whole life.
I know it.
Not believe.
I know, and I know it so solidly.
And I know that I just have to keep calm and stop feeling like I'm dying and listen to the good songs and keep my eyes fixed where they should, and know that there's no amount of work too much for me, and that I can change everything because I've done it before and I'll do it again. And that I am lucky and I am blessed and, in a cosmic kind of way, I feel like I things are falling very slowly and awkwardly into place.
I've always believed in some sort of plan, and if I squint, I can see how mine looks from behind. Bad experiences yield good lessons. I feel like the both of those are all I have. I don't know. I feel like I've lived just a little too much life for someone my age and I feel like I've fought more than I should have, but I still think that it, long run, works out for the better for me.
I cried last night for one factor. Well. Lots, but the idea hit me in such a pretty way, though the method sounds so stupid. Just the idea that life... Goes on and that is always so weird and ridiculous and worth it- It's always made things enough.
And maybe all the newfound optimism is naive. But knowing what life was being cynical and being hopeless and thinking the worst of people- Knowing what that's like, I'd choose naivity every single time.
The future isn't always bright, I don't think, but it is there.
All of this gets lots without everything it was yesterday. Last night.
I... I don't know. I need movement so badly, and I need company. I sink into myself and it does such bad things to me. I feel hysterical all the time, except when I stop and think about it.
I don't know. I need someone to come clear my head for me.