THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
They make me really, really genuinely angry. Infuriated. And I want to yell at them, and ask them what they know that I don't and how they can stand to look at themselves and don't they know that everyone can see them for what they actually are.
This never used to matter to me.
Somedays, I entertain the idea of having a boy so extensively it's actually painful. I can't really think of any one thing that could be any farther out of the realm of possibility, within any context at all.
I like to think its all just in my head, but in my clearer moments, it feels like I've felt it into concrete reality.
Siutuation aside, I make myself miserable.
I don't even think of them as human. While I keep telling myself that it must be true-All of it must be true, because it couldn't not be. The world couldn't spin if it were false- In my heart, there is not one single piece of me that believes that they are capable of feeling.
I do not, truly, believe that they are capable of love, or selflessness, or that they can care for anything in any true way. I don't believe it. I don't believe that they can look at anyone and see their heart. Any of them- Young, old.
I don't think them capable of feeling. I don't see how it's possible. How it could even happen.
I don't think it's possible for everyone.
And it makes me very sad.
Because I'd like to believe that people could just love each other and let it be that- To just love them. And not for anything, and not with anything. To just love them.
And I don't think people can.
I don't even really believe in actual friendship. You know, let romance alone- I don't believe in even platonic love.
I don't believe that exists.
And I wish I did, and I know that it must be true. It must be true because everything in the whole world, in all of history, was built upon it. And books exist, and movies exist, and people- Just people, just in general- They exist. So it must.
And yet I still can't look at anyone and believe that can feel anything. They are incapable, and all of this- All of everything the world is built on, it's all just a myth, and we're all just afraid.
I could never feel that, at least- I'd never let myself, and I'd never believe myself once I did- And...
I don't even know.
It just makes me very sad.
I'd like to think I allowed myself anything, but I never had. Never anything good.