THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
I lied.
Here's where it starts.
For the first thing, I can blame it on one thing. Well. One factor: Lately, despite everything I try to do, everything is about four million times more intense than it has any right to be. I get so fragile, I'm almost sure you could look through me and see out to the other side. The depressions are worse and only getting deeper, the manic places are so quick I can't even breath and I've almost given up sleep during them. The binges are worse. The anger- And I feel so fucking angry all the time- Is so mortifyingly intense, I don't even know what to do with it. I scare myself. And I feel like I haven't got any control over any of it- I am forever wafting in between being comatose and complete hysteria.
I don't even own any of it anymore.
All I can do it write, but I can't do anything else. I don't even feel like I can talk to the rest of the world. I get so agitated with them- Everyone. I just need to run away from it.
Except when there's music. I'll give it that. I could face water torture when it's loud enough.
I don't know why any of it is the way it is.
I just don't understand, and I realize- I do- As I write it that I just sound like such a fucking psychopath, but that's exactly how I feel. I feel like a fucking psychopath, and I don't even know what to do about it. I feel like I can't hold on much longer with school and with this being the way it is.
And I don't even care about school. I don't. Not even a little bit. I would drop out tomorrow. It just doesn't fucking matter anymore. Nothing matters, becuase I can't handle anything.
And then there's the other thing. Which makes me feel a little bit more like myself.
I am so fucking angry with people lately. With how fucking stupid people get about other people- How they can be that narcissistic.
You know? Fuck you.
And this really is the only good evidence I have of absolute positive progression over the last four years, because I used to be one of these people, but it's getting so much I just feel like screaming.
It's like the other day. We're in Seattle, right, down on the Pike, and there are these two kids there, playing music in front of Starbucks and my mom, as we go in, picks up one of their CD's. Just to be nice, you know? Because they sounded, I'll admit, probably the best out of all the other crazy people standing outside buildings playing music there.
And when we put it into the car, it was this whole CD of really angsty songs- Really heartfelt I might actually die without you songs. Whatever.
And it really wasn't, you know, the kind of stuff I'm into. It wasn't.
But I can't even tell you how mad I got when Toni and my mom started making fun of it. They went on forever and they're just talking about how pathetic was, and how these guys were acting like girls and why couldn't they just get over it and shit. I was so mad at them.
And I don't even know why, because usually it's me with those exact same words coming out of my mouth, but maybe it's just because I can actually feel things- Even though I'm feeling them way too much, and can't quite handle it- I wanted to scream at them.
It's like, Yeah, well, the next time you feel like saying anything fucking emotional, I hope someone fucking laughs at you too! I hope the next time you say anything about the way you feel, I hope someone fucking calls you pathetic and tells you what a waste it was, and why can't you just fucking get over it?
Fuck you.
It feels so fucking narcissistic. Why don't you just start empathizing for, like, five minutes and stop acting like you've never felt anything, and you've never been sad or upset in your entire life?
Why can't you just let people be how they have to be without fucking telling them to just get over it because it's weak or whatever? Why can't people just be happy or sad or crazy or whatever the hell they have to be without it being some big mockery production, even though every single person saying that they're fragile has, I absolutely promise, been happy and sad and crazy too?
I hate it.
I hate how it's like you're not allowed to be whatever you have to be right then- And you just have to keep acting like you do all the rest of the time?
I hate it. I hate all of it. I hate that I feel like nothing is allowed.
I feel like none of it is allowed.
Like it's all bad to feel anything.