THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
Depsite all of yesterday, all that purging, I'm still only an open wound today. I just can't handle things. I don't know.
I feel like I'm losing everyone.
Sarah, everyone.
I feel like everyone's just magically slipping away, back into their real lives and out of whatever play on words I suck everything into.
All I want to do is write.
And I even hate that.
I'm writing a book. I decided. I haven't lived enough to finish it, but I've done enough to start it. And I really am. Writing I mean. I always feel like no one will ever believe me when I say things like that- That it's just something I'm, you know, into. That's why we don't talk about the play. Or how amazing it is- will be. How perfect. Brilliant.
Anyway.
I had a horrible day. I don't think I want people to understand.
I thought I was going to die during the final today. Not the kind of dying where I swear I feel my heart stop just a little bit, like it holds its breath for just a beat, but a different kind. I got really, really lightheaded and really, really, really hot. My temperature rose about ten, fifteen degrees. And then my eyes couldn't focus on anything. This was all during the final.
I thought about getting up and asking to just, like, go outside or something, but I didn't think I could stand up.
So I just put my head down and went to sleep for about fifteen minutes. When I woke up, everything felt fine. My head hurt, but that was just the migraine. Otherwise fine.
Needless to say, I got an F.
It doesn't really matter.
I was sick for the rest of the day. All the vicodin wore off about halfway through class, and my mouth hurt. And my migraine got about a million times worse- more intense. I was really nauseous- And everything was too much. Across the room, someone used the stapler and I had to cover my ears.
My dad talked to the teacher after class.
She told him everything I had told him.
It hurts my feelings that neither mom nor dad believed me. They're not usually like that. And the fact that they decided to even take an interest in my academic career now was almost just laughable. These are the people who didn't see one report card all year, one test, one essay for a whole year. Now it's summer, they want to participate?
I have to go lie down now. I just feel lonely.
I need someone who just understands. Who can just hear it and know and can let you know they understand with as few words as you said.
Who can make bonds.