THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
I've just lost it...
I can't even explain it. I think everything's normal, which is probably the problem.
And about what I said in the last entry I made...
I keep thinking about it. I think I'd just fucking lose my mind. I don't think I could even hold myself through.
I don't know. It's not like I have a lot of expertise in the area...
I'm teching a play right now. I have the hardest job in the crew and I had to learn the entire show in four hours.
FOUR HOURS. For a three hour show.
I had four hours before opening night. One rehersal and I had to learn an entire show on a machine I'd never used before.
And I'm good at it and all I get is affirmation and all anyone tells me is that I'm doing a really good job and I saved the show tonight... I saved the whole show and it was all me and no one else.
And all the people who are rude to all my friends and give everyone attitude and act like assholes are being so nice and funny to me and not being offended or giving me attitude when I have to yell at them because it's my job.
And the Bosco director knows who I am and all these Bosco guys who I never talk to know who I am.
And I...
I don't know.
I cried almost all the way home after opening night. Everyone was so nice and normal to me.
And I was so panicked.
And I still don't believe any of them.
And I really wish I did.
On another note, I've been thinking about home a lot.
Sometimes knowing exactly where it is- exactly where and what home is for me- I could pinpoint it down- It makes me feel so... Lost.
I wish I had something more to search for.
I know where it is and I know that I'm moving away from there a soon as I get there to a place that has every hint of oppurtunity.
But I know that I'm only looking to escape something I don't want to be, and something I'll eventually fall back on.
I think I'm as afraid of never getting back as I am of never getting away.
And I know another thing. And it's one that I've known for such a long time- that I've felt- But I just kind of verbalized.
I'll have to live there- In England- I'll have to live there, because there's apart of me that's there that I can't get any other way.
I can't explain that part.
Part of me is there- It's something I couldn't get anywhere else.
I'm afraid of never finding it, either.
England's my whole family. That's my whole history. Everything that happened to my family- to me, essentially- It's all there.
Everything that I'm actually interested in, not what I just say I'm interested in to be adverse and to push other people away- it's all over there.
I can feel it.
San Francisco is being what I want people to see me as.
England is my family.
I don't understand the concept of family, but I think it's somewhere...
...I still want a boy though.