THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
I hate myself.
For about 38473298472389 reasons. I can't explain it. I just... I wish I knew what my friends- my close friends, not school friends- actually thought of me.
I just never know.
Ever.
And it would make life so much easier if I did. I don't know if they like me the way I would like to be liked. It's just one of those things. I'm one of those people who can tell whether or not I'll get along with someone after about three minutes of talking- and I don't have it with you people anymore. (Except Alix)
And I'm so pissed with them.
Liesa's birthday party's on Saturday right? In Thousand Oaks?
Well she invited Mil and Alix and Niki over to stay Friday night at their house.
And... Not me.
And... And no one even told me about it.
I found out through Alix's mom.
And it makes me really mad.
Cause if you're gonna invite the other three people in our group and not me- and still invite me to your party and expect me to go like it's nothing...
That is seriously fucked.
I mean, holy fuck, like I don't feel seperate enough from you guys ANYWAY. I mean, what are you doing?
Are you using me as a variety factor like the girls at school do? Are you trying to look cool for your friends in the fucking middle of NOWHERE because you have a friend who's got purple hair and wears weird clothes?
Is that what you're doing?
Because that's what it feels like.
That's what it feels like everyone does.
I don't want to be your fucking variety. I don't want to be scary to people. I'm not scary. I'm...
I don't want people to think of me the way they do.
It's hard for me.
I never went out trying to be different. It just happened. And people seem to think that I'm just terribly frightening and mean because I'm not the same as they are...
But I don't want that to come from my friends.
I... I don't know. I'm just upset.
I hate it when they do this stuff.
When they go out and do stuff.
I always feel all excluded from things.
And I always just think that it's because I'm different from them. I don't care what it is. I don't care if I won't like whatever it is you're doing. I want to be there because you're my friends and I like spending time with you.
But I don't get to. Because I'm not the same.
And in case no one's noticed- I don't have one friend- at all, ever- who likes the same things I do. They're all different. All of them. I have friends for personality, not because we're the same. Why is that not important? Why do people assume that I want that? And if you think it's important then don't fucking hang out with me.
So I'm not going to her party at all.
I don't care anymore. I give up. I hate all of you.