THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
Go listen to Femme Fatality and Antony and the Johnsons.
There are some thing that I will not, could not ever put into words. There are things that are too fragile to take out of the places I see them. From the corner of my eye, I can see what things mean.
I understand things, but only for a second.
All of that conciousness is fleeting.
And if you had asked me a year ago, if you had come to me with this question, if you had asked me to pain that mental picture, it would have been different.
It would have looked and felt so many miles apart. And I can't explain how I got here, here to where I am right now, miles from where I'll end up- and I can't explain why it changed. How it progressed.
For me, there is something concrete about midnight in the middle of july. There is something about the air being thick and hot and the lights being low.
This is what I wait all year for.
I wait to hang out my window and I wait to see how the full moon'll shine across the room, but only during those short months.
This is when everything happens.
Everything important. Everything abstract.
And now it's different.
And how I could explain it is beyond me.
They always talk about happy places. They always talk about finding yours. About that kind of calm. And mind is there. And I know how it is.
And I know that last year- just one year ago- it was outside, it was full moonlight. It was being alone and it was driving fast. It was broiling. It was beautiful and it was old and it was new. It was everything that night time brought, and it was everything immortality held.
And now...
Now it's the city. Now it's sleeplessness. Now it's pressing my face against window panes, wanting to see everything around me, but only being able to focus on one thing. It's slower and it's calmer.
There's a pane of glass between me and the madness.
It's lighst that never go out.
And it's just as pretty. But it's a different pretty. And it's just as alone. But it's so much more tired.
And I want to understand things better than I do now.
I want to know things.
And I want to stop being so painfully aware of adolescence.
I don't want to be age anymore.
But that's something you just can't outrun.