THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
Here's something I forget. I always forget.
But somehow I'm guessing you guys don't.
I sometimes forget that I'm just one stupid fucking naive 15 year old with no access to anything. I haven't done a damn thing and what I know I've only gotten from sideline views.
You know, how's that?
I'm just in fucking highschool.
I'm just another faceless, nameless, abitionless and useless part of the masses and I think I'm something fucking special.
Do you people out there see me as that? See me for age? See me as sure, this is what she says, but look at how old she is!
[Does that even matter]
And, you know, looking at my situation, I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do. Somedays I'd rather just be popular majority rather than popular minority. I'd rather be normal and hated than obscure[possibly] and hated.
But that's the thing.
You know, and I don't know how much these even makes sense but I'm forming thoughts after I'm writing words here.
I want to go to a normal low end, bad teaher-ed, clique writhing public school. It seems like failure'd work a little better there. You know, I could maybe learn something about people instead of just speculating.
You do realize that- I never get to see anything. I go someplace where I'm just anybody else, and people like flaws over perfection. People are okay with who you fucking are. I don't want that. I don't WANT THAT.
I want to be with other people like me.
I don't want to be liked for being different, I want to be hated for being the same. I want a significant in my life to have some fucking meaning to somebody else. I want to share what's important to me. I want to be listened to- but not because I'm different
I'm tired of sideshow, I just want unity.
And there's the key.
Here I am getting told to shut up midsentance by the friends who expect me to be their fucking shoulder, and avoided by the people who swore to stick around just because I went "astray". Because I made the "wrong choices".
What happened to that?
Why am I the only one who'd take a bullet for these people no matter what they did? Who would still be at their fucking SIDE the SECOND they fell down, even if they had stabbed me in the back a thousand times? Because that's what friendship IS.
Because that's what friends are fucking supposed to DO.
Why did everything just start falling apart? And why am I the only one who seems to fucking care??
Godamn.
I don't want new friends. I just want mine back.
I just want those fucking girls to come back and stop looking at me as a stranger.
I'd fucking kill for you. But you can't even answer a damn email.
I don't understand.
I don't understand why i feel so petty saying this. Why I feel selfish for even asking.
Just one word.
One word that growing up and out isn't a legitimate phrase.
Is it my fault?
I guess it must be. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe I never told people the things I should have due to my complete inability to verbalize anything that's not just sarcasm or floating right at the surface. Anything two inches in and I'm too self concious too think.
But you know what, even though you won't even fucking read this, and it won't make a damn different. To Alix, and Milena, and Liesa, and Niki- I fucking LOVE you girls and I don't know what I'd do without you. No matter what.
Too bad no one's hear to listen and no one would fucking care anyway.