THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
You know it always kills me to see kids who try really hard to be different to fit in the crowd. Being a 'rebel' because they fucking want attention.
If I could have just one day to just be like everyone else...
To see things the way everyone else does.
Because all being 'different' ever fucking did for me was make it so the people I'm closest to don't want to talk to me anymore because they don't even know or care what I'm saying anymore. What's important to me doesn't even exist to them.
I just need one person.
One.
Everytime we get into a group- I become godless. I become moraless. The loser. The headed for nowhere. The So Far In I Can't Even See Out. Who can't relate to anyone.
And that's fucking it. My priorities are so far off from standard-issue fifteen year old girl that conversation becomes futile- all opinions just come back and hit me in the face as a negative.
Ten years running and I'm the only one untwining.
It wasn't like this at Dodson. And before....Before it wasn't like this out of school.
I hate being different. I just want to be stupid and normal. I want to be shallow and I want to accept standards as they are.
I didn't choose this. Why do opinions automatically result in alienation?!
I miss two way conversations. I miss talking to more than just myself. I don't like being cut off mid sentance because no one fucking understands anything I mean anymore!
I miss being brought around for more than just entertainment. I miss my friends. I miss having friends.
At least, friends who...Who get it.
And, you know. It's the weirdest thing. As soon as I turn on the stereo, I'm not alone anymore. It's like we speak in a different language. If only there were more people to talk to.
Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.
Please, please, please leave me notes. I feel like shit.