THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
Gee....I thought I added another entry today.
Stupid diaryland.
Always fuck my master plans.
Not that that entry was particularly thought-envoking or deep.
I beleive I was just whining about how I particularly dislike designing with classic tattoo images, although I always like the way they look.
They're a fucking pain in the ass to sit and draw out...But I have a particular soft spot for the finished product, so I suppose I can't quite complain...
Oh wait! I just did.
I actually picked up my loan bass for the first time in about three weeks.
I hate five strings.
Or, as my grandmothre pointed out today- I tend to rather dislike five strings.
That's why I chose bass. Because six strings was too many. Five is not a lot better.
But, hell. Better than nothing.
Oh fuck.
I have school tomorrow.
Doesn't that just suck.
Oh, I forgot to mention, I was looking over my books today for the first time (even though I've owned them for two weeks) and I discovered that one of my religion books is titled Jesus of History, Christ of Faith.
I just about fell to the ground laughing.
What a fucking joke.
I hate religion.
Always have, always will.
It's fascinating but my sense of spirituality has been one big gaping blank open space for my whole life.
I'd like to think that I actually had some kind of grasp on my own life.
Having religion, from what I've viewed, has only ever given people more stress and the illusion of safety when really, they're just ready for the hunt.
Actually, though, religion's a pretty easy class to pass. I always used to get A's.
About the only class, too.
It was just funny, cause the Catholic kids- who'd been studying the damn thing their whole lives- used to fail.
And then there was me, who didn't have enough patience to beleive in herself, let alone some mysterious deity.
How do you fail a test in something you beleive in?
I was just making up loads of bullshit.
But these people had bound their whole fucking lives to the damn thing.
And they couldn't even do worksheets on what they'd say to God if they could talk to him.
Which, by the way, they DID make us fill out.
You know, I always felt pretty bad. I could never tell if people saw that everything I do at schools like that is just a big, fat lie.
I can say their stupid prayers and sing their stupid songs and pretend like I know how they feel.
But when the day's over, the only thing I've got to rely on is myself. And I like it that way.
It kinda makes you wonder though. What could possibly make you beleive in something like that.
I have nothing against people who do, but I just fail to understand properly.
How could you possibly hold any kind of faith to something that you were forced into beleiving since you were fucking born?
How can you so easily beleive what everyone else does and accept it as truth?
Why can't you make your own decisions?
See, that's the fucked thing about religion. You don't even get to choose your own. It's just handed to you on a platter, and you aren't given a choice as to whether or not it means anything to you.
I guess that's the exact number one reason why I absolutely cannot stand Catholic school.
Because everyone there has something that I don't. And even though I don't want it, it's frustrating to think that I couldn't have it even if I wanted to.
It's like I had some big door shut in my face before I could even comprehend my surroundings, and no one will ever be able to open it.
I don't want it. But I'd like to know what it would feel like to put so much trust into something that's only been fucking people over for centuries.