THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
Let me tell you all something.
It is remarkably unpleasent t find out in six words that your entire future is absolutely going down the drain.
I mean it.
I'm screwed over no matter fucking what for the rest of my entire life...Both adolescent and adult.
Yes.
Because now I have been rejected by the one school I held my future and happiness with. And so now I am going to the absolute hell of an all girls catholic school.
Let me tell you a few things that are so entirely wrong with this:
1. I am not catholic and have never, not once, in my entire life have felt any relationship between myself and religion, of any kind. I just don't have that. I've never been able to beleive in anything, really. And I had to go to church five times a week for six years. And the entire time, it was like sitting in a room where everyone else knew what was going on. but you didn't. Just being the outsider looking in.
I can't base my entire life in highschool on something that doesn't exist for me.
2. I typically hate being in the company of most females. I like being with guys more. And I know I won't like these girls. because I've met them before. The majority of them are blonde-highlighted upspeakers wearing Aeropostale from head to foot.
They will not accept me. I already know this. And though I have never sought acceptance, I do not wish to be continually mocked for four years.
3. The other schools were my way out. They were my way to make sure I am safe. That I don't do anything stupid.
It was my way to never have to get on a horse again; my way to never have to do drama ever, ever again.
It was my way to make sure I was happy. Because when people aren't happy, they fuck things up. The make bad descisions that will fuck them up for the rest of their lives. And now that'll be me. I will be so unhappy, I won't care what I do. Hell, I don't really care now. I don't care what happens. I don't care if I fail everysingle class now. It just has stopped mattering.
I can't be happy.
4. I will be uniformed. I will be standardized.
The only thing that I ever want in my entire life was to be happy. How can you be happy when you are wearing a plaid pleated skirt and never allowed to do anything that might resemble individuality.
I can't go through the four most supposedly important not being able to do anything I want. I will have to undye my hair. In fact, I won't be able to ever dye my hair. I won't allowed to wear jewelry for god's sake. I won't be allowed to paint my nails.
I won't be able to do anything.
At all.
This is the end.
5. What ever happened to resembling normality? What about ever having a goddamn boyfriend? How do you have a boyfriend when they aren't any BOYS? How can you do anything when you are completely miserable all the fucking time?
6. I..I don't even want to think about anymore. I can't.
I don't know what to do.
I can't really do anything.
I can just keep a fervent hope that I really won't go insane; that I won't be so miserable that I will do something seriously stupid; that I can keep some form of individuality.
But I don't see how I can.
I...I just don't.
In fact, just shoot me now.
Seriously.
It would make things so much easier.
Quote of the Day
"Do you want the bad news now or later?".