THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
Sometimes, I don't know why people put up with me.
I really don't.
And the entirety of this thought is remarkably hard to voice because it spreads in so many directions.
I see all these people. And they have problems. Real, existant problems, not like mine that are entirely self-envoked and impactless on who I will be. Or am.
And these said people have goals. They have places they want to be. And they do it by themselves. They have this motivation and will that I envy so much.
I have all these people who pull for me. And they don't need to and they shouldn't.
I don't do anything.
I don't have motivation.
I don't have goals. All I want out of my entire life is to be happy. Whatever gets me there, works.
I don't have these big plans to go out and be successful and make an impact on the world. I want to find someone I love and have a job I like.
That's it.
I don't have any reason to complain at all, yet I find myself doing it constantly. Life's been pretty good to me.
I don't regret anything because there is nothing to regret.
And then when I do actually have the will to try to make things better, no one understand.
I think my mom once asked me "what I thought other people's lives were like".
I thought they were the exact same monotony as mine. And I hate that.
I hate being stuck in the same hellhole. Which coincidentally isn't that bad, when you think about it.
But I can't stand to be in the same place for more than a few months.
I like variation.
And I don't really deserve it.
That's the thing, you know.
I ask for all these things and I don't gove anything back.
There is no reason why I should get to be anything less than typical.
The only thing I think I have ever really done in my entire existance is try. And that hasn't ever gotten me anywhere.
But i refuse to beleive that I'm doing this for nothing.
I think that spending the majority of my time listening to music and writing literally hundreds of pages of worthless crap writing has to be useful somehow.
I see all these people and I can see where they will be ten years from now. And I'm pretty sure that some people could see the same for me.
There are some people here who have the strange ability to read me like a book. That's kinda creepy, if you think about it.
Most people can't follow my thought patterns from moment to moment and then some people see what I'll do before I do it.
I don't think that I really like this trait. But that's probably because it's never really been an issue.
And now I'm rambling.
I say that too much.
I need to stop complaining about what I do and do something about it.
But I don't know how.
I don't know how to fix things.
And I don't know how to lay out my entire future.
I don't even know what I'm good at.
It seems like all of my family was handed their future careers on a plate at the age of five.
They are so predictable.
But I never really founf my niche.
Except for writing. But my writing is mostly shit and nothing I ever let anyone read anyway.
And music. But I listen to music. I don't make it.
Which is so ridiculous, I cannot even begin to tell you.
This is making my head hurt.
I really just need to stick to society-bashing instead of this.
Because I find this disgustingly angsty and stereotypical.
But so I am when I do everything.
You know what?
Just nevermind.
Forget everything I just said.
I try to never let my mind wander into the depths of myself. Because I always end up confused and depressed.
So I stick to the same worthless drone. Because that way I can't ever hurt myself.
And I don't think it should have to be that way.