THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
It seems wrong that Blink 182 should make you cry doesn't it?
It does.
It seems like a band specifically aimed at idiot blondes and twlve to fourteen year old boys in skate shoes should make you feel emotional. But it does.
It makes me feel like I'm going to miss all of this when its gone. That I'm just gonna look back and not see any of the shit. Just the good stuff. And I don't know why.
But its worrying.
Fucking Blink 182 are not supposed to make you feel sad for the memories you are letting go of. If they were, we wouldn't need The Ataris.
I still don't really know what's wrong with me.
I'm wearing mary janes, plastic pearls, and cat ears for god's sake. There has got to be something seriously wrong. And Amanda wrote that I am nonchalant. Am I nonchalant?
Yeah. I guess I act that way. But I don't think I am. At least not really.
I'm too tired.
See? I know there is something wrong. I'm tired, constantly hungry, and I cry all the goddamn time.
All I want is to get back to my ranting ass hole self. That would be great.
But....
But still.
I want a guitar. I saw the most beutiful guitar I have ever seen the other day. It was emily strange. Which is weird (but completely understandable because they make every other fucking thing in the whole world emily strange...so why not instruments). But still. It was so amazingly beautiful. It made me forget the fact that I don't even like guitar and, if anything, will play bass because I am a sucker for bass. But when you see a red, black, and white guitar that says "People Are Strange" on it, that doesn't matter much. I would learn to play for that. I would.
And now I feel like an idiot. I just do. And I can't quite figure out why.
I keep saying that I need an outlet. But I think I have one. This. This stupid journal. Because writing the millions (no exaggeration) pages of stuff that I do does nothing for me. Its like writing for someone else's emotions. I can't write about anything even remotely like anything in my life. I've tried. But it doesn't work. Its my escapism. And I can't escape when all I know is right in front of me.
And so here I am. I feel stupid and ignorant and stereotypical. And I know that that is completely true and I don't care. Because I am ignorant, in a way that I can look outside of myself. I can.
And that makes no sense.
So nevermind.
I'm just going to leave.
I'm at the end of things again. And I don't know where to go next.