THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
They always said that everyone makes mistakes.
But forgot to mention that only some people can do things right.
I, apperantly, am not one of those people. I have (once again) fucked everything up and (once again) my parents hate me. They think I am "irresponsible and stupid" (or at least agreed with me when I said that that was the cause for my "crappy attitude"). Why it took them this long to figure that out, however, is completely beyond me.
It's not like I was a perfect child in elementary & the rest of middle school. I've always had a tendancy to wait til the very last minute and then get yelled at for being such a screw up. Every science fair I have been forced into has been done the same exact way. Exactly. I don't actually do the experiment, make it up for all the reports, and then do everything the night before it's due. Every single one.
They also haven't picked up on this. You'd think that if you knew your daughter had a tendency to fuck evrything up, you might try to do something to prevent it. Not just yell at her for doing it. It's not my fault. I just don't care.
I've tried really hard to, but I just don't.
And now I shall be punished in some aweful manner for being myself. I can't help it if I'm like this. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I know I am. But then I get punished for being who I am. Which is unfair. They (who are supposed to be the responsible ones) could have done something.
I just don't understand how some kids do it. How they can do things right and make their parents proud. How can it come naturally to some? And why them? Why have a bunch of kids who do things right and will end up very rich and happily married with three kids and a dog, and then a bunch of kids who don't have the mental capacity to always to what's right- only to try- and then fall short of the line and dye their hair green, get tattoos, and peircings and be a big disappointment to everyone. And all we want to is to do the right thing, and be good, but nothing is ever good enough. Ever. But I look good with green hair.
Sorry. My mind wanders. I think I'm developing a learning disability or something. Or just depression. Isn't an inability to concentrate and lack of intrest in things you used to like {horse back riding} both signs of clinical depression???? Are there like tests or something you can take? I must look it up......
Things just suck lately. Because the more deeply I delve into myself, the worse I do with the rest of the world. But is it better to be perfect and not know things worth knowing, or to know those things but consequently screw up at everything else? The latter seems much better in the long run, if you ask me.
But these, I suppose, are things that one must find out on one's one.
And we all feel like we're going through it alone. And then we aren't. But how is that possible??
How can perfect children like Lynn Chai or Debbi/Deana U fuck things up like I do? How can they think about things like this? How does Jillian Matherly deal with problems about never knowing who she is and never being able to do the right thing?
I bet her solution isn't dressing in all black and listen to Rancid as loud as possible all during lunch and never share anything with her parents because they wouldn't get it. (only they probably would....and I'm just missiong out on advice I don't want).
But she is perfect, so who cares.
And that's the thing. If I want advice, I want it from someone I don't know. Which is ridiculous because I DON'T KNOW THEM. But it seems so much easier. If I didn't know what they were like I would be forced to trust them and I know they wouldn't jusdge me on things I've done in the past because they weren't there. They don't know how bad I mess up.
So that seems perfectly illogically logical.
And my friends seem more like family and my family are just a freak show that I am forced to obey. I don't love my family. I love my friends. Because my friends don't care what kind of music I listen to or when I turn in my science fair project. They'll love me no matter what. My family? I guess they would, but it's not like they ever show it or anything. Ever. It's worse because I can run an hide from my friends. I can't run from my family because they are always there. No matter how hard I try to erase things.
And so I am once again stuck in the same hole as every other teenager in the world is in. And I can't get out.
And one day I'll look back on this and think about how stupid I was. But then I'll wake up and see everything that was still wrong with me.
Because I have never been, nor ever will be perfect.
And I am so glad.