THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
I think that there is something clinically wong with me. And what ever happened to having good days??? All I'm doing is living the same bad day over and over. And I can't do anything right. Nothing. I don't know how. And I don't know what exactly I do wrong. I only know that nothing good ever stays that way.
I don't know how to be the way I used to be. That was someone else. In finding myself, it seems I only realized that I am a failure. A complete waste of space with nothing good to say. And people don't get it. They think try to act the way I do. I try NOT to act the way I do. I try to act like I knew what I was doing and that I have a grip on things and I wasn't standing on a cliff, watching the ground below. But they don't get it.
And when finally I start to feel all right, someone ruins it. some weird twist of fate comes and murders all my last hope. Hope is the very last thing I have. I have no hope. No hope for anything I could be. Could have. I don't deserve it. No one who apparently is such a fucking failure deserves to even have dreams. I don't have talents. I had skills but those apparently are gone as well. I don't know what I could do using the things I have left, that are slipping through my fingers as the days get darker.
No one used to come into my room and yell at me for having a bad attitude and never acting like I really want things. Never trying.
I do try. Every day. There isn't a day when I don't try to get things right.
But I always fall short.
I don't understand success anymore. I don't understand happiness. I can't make anyone feel proud. I can't even make myself feel proud. I don't know how.
All I do is want. But I don't give. I don't have anything to give anyone. Nothing but myself. And no one would want that anyway.
Once again, I fall short of the line.
How do you plan for your future when you have no hope for tommorrow? How can I think about next year when all I want is to get through this month intact? With as much sanity as I can grasp on to.
How do other people get by? Why do I have problems? Why are there kids who do everything right and make people proud- who are rolemodels- and kids like me who can't do anything right? Why does God choose certain people to do the right thing, who have things come easily to them, and choose people like me who can't even pass p.e.?
I know that God never makes mistakes and does everything for a reason, but I'm out of reasons why this could happen to me. I can't see how this will make me a better person. Make me happier. Make long run living any easier. It just seems like its driving me into th ground.
Mrs. Hill says that God never cheats. Everything works out. Will this work out? How do I make yesterday's mistakes help me tommorrow? How do I let what I've learned affect my future? How do I stop from making the same stupid mistake over and over again? I'm so confused.
Today Rhiannon told me that I was in a constant state of perpetual confusion lately and that I wasn't always like this.
Why now?
Whyy now when it actually matters when I do something wrong????
I just want help. Answers. I need answers, but unlike everyone else, I don't have anyone to run to. I just have myself and I have God. Who never answers me. Who tests me by never telling me anything I need to know in a way that can comprehend.
I'm lost and I am broken.