THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
I'm so tired. Exhausted. I feel so strung out emotionally. Like I've just been spread too thin in too many places, and it's catching up on me. I just need one day to fully re-coop but I know I'm not gonna get it. The weekend is almost over and all I have to look foreward to is a week of hell where theatre occupies every space of every day. I'm so sick of it. I just want to stop. I have absolutely no free time and school is pounding down so hard on me. Things are getting back to the way they were before. That torture. I think (know) I'm currently failing algebra. I hate algebra. And p.e. makes me ill. English is dull. History is cool save for the morons who occupy the room around me. Science is getting better. I understand it. I like chemistry. I think. I just hate algebra. I'm not supposed to be in that class and now is where it shows. My pathetic grade point average is just proof of this complete exhaustion. I'm too tired to think. My whole body is shaking. And not because my windows are wide open and it's pouring outside. It'd because things are getting to be too much. Too much life. All I want is new music and new opportunities in new places. I just want a chance to leave everything I have and start over somewhere else. Somewhere where I can be who I want without all of this raining down on me. Where I could be myself in limited quantities. I want to go to Idyllwild. But I won't I will be stuck here for the rest of my entire life in this hamster cage where there isn't and never will be anything new. Where love is irrelevent to what people do. I just want a purpose. I feel lost and empty. I feel like there is nothing here that I should stay for. But what is there for me anywhere else? What if the problem is not where I am but who I am? What if I am the problem? And I know that I am the only one who can fix it. But I don't know how. I don't know how to make school better. How to pass Algebra I. How to make myself feel loved. How to find my purpose. How to find people who I like and like me back. How to feel fulfilled. And now it just seems like this is the last place where anything extraordinary can happen. But must I just work around the setting into the conflict? I just feel like I can never escape. That nothing is in my hands. That I can't hold the weight they're putting on my shoulders. That my whole life is meaningless. I have no purpose. I am unfulfilled. I am empty. I am lost.
I am exhausted.