THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
It rained all week.
I feel like I really need someone to talk to. Someone- Someone real, you know. Someone who could actually listen, and not just... I don't know, I feel like I have things I need to work out outside of my head. Because it's never- It's never been the way it is now- It's never...
I've been feeling really abandoned by everyone lately. Really distant, and I don't know why. I feel like the people I normally depend on don't care. I feel like even things that come from inside my head and usually keep me sane just... Aren't there...
I want to get rid of all of it, lately. I just want to feel better or nothing at all.
Closeness scares me so much, and I don't know why. The idea of really talking to another person seems so totally impossible and ridiculous...
I fall apart at even the slightest sign of sympathy, at even the smallest glimpse of kindness...
I think I just tell myself, 'They don't care, they have no reason to, they have their own lives' so much, I can't even- I don't even believe that people can actually care about each other anymore. Everyone just feels really separate, really distance...
I wouldn't even believe anyone if they were actually nice to me. I'd think it was just...
I don't know. I wouldn't believe them.
I don't believe that people can actually care about each other, I don't believe that anyone could actually care about me...
I'm so scared of being what I see around me- Of trying to hold onto something that just seems like it's falling apart... I don't really think I have the capacity to be genuine anymore...
I just...
I don't know. I don't know, and I can't explain.
Just someone... Anyone... Who I could trust- Who would actually care...
I just don't really think that I'm worth the effort anymore.
I just feel messy- I feel like I don't know how to talk to people, and I don't know how to be real or interesting or...
I feel like if I confronted anyone about how I just feel totally abandoned by them and lonely and awful- I feel like it would just be my fault because I'm so isolated and so inaccessable and...
And them- Them... I hate them and I hate what they have. I hate every single part of it. I hate that they never show any emotion and have never once, not every one in my entire life tried to make anything whole- Have never showed any affection and never- I hate all of it.
I hate it.
And I'm so afraid that I've just been damaged enough by the way they handle things- By the way the isolate themselves and never... Never talk and never try to make anything real or anything whole...
I feel like that's all I'll ever be capable of...
I feel like all I'll ever have is what they do, and the though of something so...
I want something really real. I want something really whole, and I want friends and I want an actual...
An actual family...
I just don't even believe it's possible anymore...