THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE

07-12-07 . 10:59 am


All you can say is that it's probably appropriate timing.

It's funny, you know. I haven't done this in a long time, and it's not like anything I can talk about outloud. And it's funny mostly because it feels so right. Just like it did before. Just like it was before. All of it is exactly the same, but smarter. Before, it was that summer before I started at St. Jo's. It was my fresh start. I guess this is too.

It's exactly the same, and I can't decided whether I'm moving forwards or backwards in regard to the whole thing. I've got a head on my shoulders this time, but it's still got that same naivity to it. It's still got that total blindness. It feels like a good place to be though. Like shedding skin. Totally changing how I look and what I like.

The same sort of paranoia, I think.

This Otis place has gotten me all shaken up about my moving forward. If this is what my life is supposed to be like in this field... Makes me wish I had some other skills. It's just unhappiness. Sort of mad depression. They're all so fucking insane, there, and I can't decided whether I'm being picked up as part of the collective or not. I'm terrified of started school in September.

I do all the changes defensively, I know. I think they only seperate me from everyone else, though.

Maybe I want that...

It feels good, though. It's hard to explain. It's got no emotions, which is my favorite. It's blind noise. Like it was before. I fucked myself over when I learned how to feel anything at all. I missed nihilism a lot, but I don't know how I'll get along in a room full of strangers anymore.

I don't know what other people are. I don't know how any works in practice. In theory, everyone is easy. In real life, I forget people are actually people. Boys, especially. I forget they even exist- Like, as people. I forget that they have seperate personalities and seperate motives. I forget that they're seperate from each other and I forget that genders can mix together. It doesn't make sense to me anymore. It doesn't make sense that you could just talk to a boy, and have him just be a person. I can't explain. It really doesn't make any sense to me at all anymore. I can't even get my head around the idea.

This is also terrifying.

Everything is terrifying, so I shroud myself.

I'm so afraid of not being able to connect with anyone at all. It always happens. I'm always the seperate one. It's a nasty cycle. I exist almost purely of empathy, but I can't even get my head around the fact that people even exist at all.

I don't know what the past three years did to me, but even from the vaguest glimpse into the outside tells me it isn't good. It isn't good the same way Dodson wasn't good.

I can't explain.

I suppose I don't want to.

As for my main way of wasting time. Maybe they fade while I focus elsewhere. Or get different faces. The faces look different at the moment, but I don't even care. My inability to humanize anyone is especially discouraging.

I don't believe that anyone has any genuine, clean emotion at all, so I begin to doubt my own. Or lack there of.

I have such specific ideas as to the kinds of people with whom I could associate myself. They must be exact. Though it changes, occasionally. As I redecide what I am. I close my eyes and just imagine they are next to me. In rooms full of hundreds of people who theoretically like what I like, the only ones I care about are the ones who exist only in my head.

It makes me sick, sometimes.

It's like paralysis, but I stick myself here, and move around in it with my mouth closed. The only people with whom I spent my actual time are gone. All I do is go to school, and school is joyless. It's all joyless. And monotonous. It's not art, it's some just something standing in the place of art, and I don't even care.

I hate photography. I hate everything about photography because it doesn't require any brains, and it doesn't require any soul. Anyone can take a good picture. Anyone can buy a camera and learn how to light. All it is is luck. It has no heart. You can't bleed into photography. You put nothing of yourself into photography. No one seems what you see, they only see what's actually there.

It makes me ill to think I'm being stuck here. I hate everything about it.

About everyone. I don't know. Paralysis, still. I miss having anyone to talk to, even though no one I had listened at all. Here, I don't even have a chance to talk. Every time I pass a reflective surface, I swear I'll see my glasses-wearing, braces-having, limping, greasy, poorly dressed, ugly, depressed fourteen year old self. I don't even know what I look like anymore.

I don't know. I got pulled out of all my comfort zones, so now I pretend to have different ones. No one here is warm. It makes no sense to me at all.

I'm only secure when I'm the most superior in the room, and I never even know anymore. I used to have that. I didn't get along with anybody at all, but I was good at what I did. Now, I can't tell. These are all art people. They're all people who do this. I have never taken a photography class before. I have never taken a drawing class before. I don't even remember what 'good' is anymore. All I have to hold is my taste, which is still superior, no matter where I'm standing. I never get a chance to use my brain or my mouth and image isn't everything, even in Los Angeles, so I can only hold what I like as violently as possible.

Give me a minute, give me room, and I'd run all over everyone. I can't work within these ridiculous restrictions.

I don't even know anymore. I don't know how I'll function in the real world. I can remember Emily telling me that I was the most clearly obstinant person she had ever met in her entire life. It's true, though. I function only when I am in my exact situations. I will only spend time with people who are exactly who I wish to be with. I'm arrogant and aggresive and unambitious and lazy. I've never wanted to be anything, and I still don't. I'm not going to school to start a career or to be something. I'm going to school to bide my time before I find something better to do. Whatever I'll do, I'll fall in to it, and I'll change it one hundred times. I change who I am at the drop of a hat, I'll change what I do even faster. The idea of a career is ridiculous. I don't want to be anyone. I only want my time spent doing what I like with the people I like. I don't care who's watching.

And I like being jaded. I like cheating and breaking rules and I like feeling like things are going against me, and I like fucking things up myself. I like only doing what I feel is right. And I like doing all of that and then knowing that I'm still more intelligent that other people, and it's never done anything for me. I like knowing that no grades will ever do anything for me and that no test scores will help me and that I could be brilliant and no one will ever care. I like knowing that nothing I do will ever change anything.

I get called a nihilist a lot.

Sometimes this makes sense to me.

Everything is a paradox. I hate everyone and everything and I can't stand things that proclaim that they have meaning. But all I want is to be around people and I like doing what I like and being good at it.

None of this is cohesive... It doesn't matter...

Faces change, but that's all. All I have is the idyllic anymore. Focus falls everywhere.

I don't understand anything, and all I can think of is what this summer will look like in six months. I can't even imagine.

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