THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
"We're going to have a long talk soon and neither of us want to."
Are you kidding me? I mean really. A talk??
A talk that we have to have? And you really fucking think that I- that I after all these years of never, ever being listened to- Of getting so used to it that I didn't even listen to myself- Is going to sit there and listen to you and be affected by any of it?
You really do?
You really think that it's going to do anything? That I'm really that fucking pliable- No, no, nevermind, that isn't even it. It's not anything to do with me, I don't even think. But, I mean... Really?
I mean, what are our motives here?
Do we really believe that talking- Talking!- is going to change anything? Don't we think that maybe that boat's already sunk? Honey, I am so far gone.
You can talk and talk and talk and talk and nothing in me's gonna just snap and go "Oh, alright, no, no, I get it. I'll just shift all of my personal characteristics and morals to fit in with a standard expectation."
I'm a little insulted that you think it will.
And I'm a little insulted that you think I should.
I may be going down a wrong path, but I'm not going down there without an extreme amount of forethought. Do you really think that little of me? I never even know anymore.
And maybe it doesn't matter.
Last time I checked, ambition required no stamp of approval.
And I hate to use that word- It lost its value a long time ago- But I don't know how else to put it. Who I am is not restricted to where I should be, and it is not determined by the expectations of those who I like or dislike. I know what I want and you know- You know, all of you- You always talk about how all I do is set up road blocks for myself and how I close all my own doors-
You know, fuck you.
Fuck you for thinking you even get to decide that. Or for thinking that, again, that even fucking telling me that is going to do anything?
Really? Really? I- I burn a lot of bridges?
Yeah?
Seriously?
Thanks.
Sometimes you feel like just as much of one as anything else. I would like some fucking understanding and some fucking respect and I would like all of you to stop fucking yelling at me for things I cannot- That I choose not- to control and start fucking acting civil.
You're more disappointed in any of it than I am, but you never even take the time to hear me out and I don't know why. I'm pretty sure that, you know, on this subject, I am actually the best authority. You know.
I don't know.
All this bitching that I'm getting thrown at me... It feel selfish to me. I apologize for not meeting expectations and damaging your egos in that way. Maybe I just stretched my arms in a different direction- Not like you'd know or anything. Avid interests you all have, I like that I'm never actually included in the discussion.
You can't tell me this doesn't have something to do with you. You can't hold a one sided argument and claim both sides at fault.
Just fucking LISTEN to me!
For once.