THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE

10-25-06 . 8:58 pm

What's real is real and what's not is not.

I can't even draw the line anymore.

It's like everything breaks into a million tiny little pieces because they don't even exist; they don't exist, they don't exist, they don't exist, they don't exist.

I can't deal with people being who they actually are; I need them to be who I need them to be.

And no one else will understand because it isn't real and it is kind of crazy and I'm just so lonely all the time now, and i can't even explain it.

All I can think of is just word vomit- I can't make sense of it.

All I need- the only thing I need- Is to know that you- The both, maybe all three of you- exist somewhere. That somewhere you're alive and well and that I might be fortunate enough to run across you- Though I think I already have for one. You know who you are.

I feel like it's fate.

But for her- The Her- You know who- I am her. And she doesn't exist like they don't, but knowing that she could. Knowing that probably- It's even likely that I- I don't know know- I am- Her- Maybe that's reassurance? Maybe if I exist and you exist then maybe they- In their own way, and wherever they are- Maybe they also exist?

Maybe they do, and we just know it before they do? I know it- I mean? Maybe they know too?

And maybe I'm just crazy, and I can't get either of them out of my head, because I am her, and I feel like her, and I think like she does and I know what she does, and it's all unbearable because you can't reconcile with the rest of the world and you can't exist without him- And he doesn't, so where can you even go? All these people, these stupidly tangible and perfect people- They aren't real.

None of it is real...

I hate everyone because they can't understand. I hate everyone because I know what it feels like- And it feels like love- Love for all of them- Codependance, and something incredible- And that isn't real either.

Nothing.

I don't know.

No one understands.

I miss him and I know, I know somewhere deep inside because I can read it in every word and I can hear it in every single song, I know that he exists.

I know it's only time, and I hate it.

+ + + +