THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
All I did today was sleep. I don't feel wrong. I just feel... Fragile. I don't know. I can't even seperate what actually happened from what dreamed, because I really just don't know. I can't remember where I actually said words, and where I just wanted to.
My dad said my mother and I "had some words excanged", but I don't remember if we did.
We kind of got in a fight over this stupid salad this morning, but I don't think I've talked to her since. I was so mad that salad. She told me she got me this salad for lunch, if I wanted, and it was the refrigerator. And it was this tiny Greek salad. Which would be completely fine for anyone else, but there isn't one part of a Greek salad that I will actually eat. Besides the lettuce. Everything else makes me naseous. And it's not like Ooh Secret Hatred of Tomatoes and Feta Cheese. They're completely well known facts. I mean, like, if a complete stanger bought it for me, it would have been fine. But it's my mom. She never does stuff like that. My dad does, but it's so weirdly out of character for her. Just like when she offered me lunch meat the other day. I hate lunch meat. Even my dad's figured that out. But she got really, really mad both times when I told her I didn't want it. I didn't even say anything either time, either. Not any No, sorry, that makes me vomit. Nothing. I think I just said "Oh, you can have it."
It feels dumb to write about. But I was so angry.
I was angry at dinner too. I was asleep, and she comes up and bangs on my door really loud- In this really weird angry kind of way, like she wanted to yell at me- So I get up, and everyone else is eating dinner, and I go into the kitchen, and all of the food is already mostly eaten and covered in tin foil.
I don't even know. I was really upset. Really stupidly upset, just like with the salad.
So I just sat on the kitchen floor for awhile, and then when my dad tried to ask me what was wrong, I just left and went back to sleep.
And all I ate was a peice of toast and a glass of soy milk all day. And I don't feel hungry, because I've learned that just sleeping directly through it will make it go away.
I don't know. I feel like a mess.
All I've done today is sleep and cry and get angry over nothing.
It's because she's angry with me, I think. I think that really is it. That she's acting really angry with me for things that aren't my fault, and I've told her I don't need to do, but she says I have to. And I know it's just stress about money, but I can't help getting really upset about it. She's only doing it to me.
And all of this feels petty and stupid, but I just feel so angry and hurt about it- About her just treating me like crap in that weird way she has- That stupid passive aggressiveness that I've gotten from her- And that nothing is my fault, she's acting like it is.
And then I feel like I'm being insensitive because I'm sure everything must actually be very hard and I shouldn't even say anything, because I don't really know what it's like to have to deal with things like that.
But... I don't know. I don't think it justifies it.
But justification doesn't really mean anything.
I don't know. I don't know why I'm acting this way. I feel all off. And all I've wanted to do all day is just sit down and watch television by myself, but every time I tried to, someone would come and try to watch it with me so I'd have to leave because I hate wathcing television with anyone else (I always feel like I'm imposing on them. You know, I never want to watch what anyone else is watching, and it drives me crazy when people just sit there and flip channels while someone else is there and trying to watch it, which is exactly what I do when I watch TV. And then I feel like I can't just pick something, because it won't be what they want to watch, or they'll think badly of me for watching it in the first place, which doesn't even make any sense, so I just give them the remote and then leave). And so then I would just leave and cry.
And my dad keeps trying to ask me what's wrong, and I feel really terrible, because I can't tell him, because it just feels so petty and terrible to say outloud. So I just say nothing, but the problem is that every time I try to talk, I can't even get the words out, and I just sound like I'm about to cry. So I just say "Fine" and then I leave. And then I do cry.
And then I had this dream- I don't remember when- and it was just awful. I was with my mom and dad and we were at Downtown Disney. And they had stopped to eat somewhere, and left me to go to Sephora there, because I love the Sephora there (Which I also will never go to except by myself, because I feel like I'm imposing myself on there time, and they would probably like to be somewhere else and not doing some stupid, vaguely narcisisstic activity with me). And so I went, and it was all different, and inside (I don't know why any of this is relevent) and I remeber having to walk up very steep hills to get there. And when I did, they'd taken it out and replaced it with something else. And it made me very sad because I had really wanted to go. So I just went back and told them, and was sad. And my mom told he she was glad it wasn't there.
So I called her vindictive, and then she just laughed at me. So I got really angry and just... Left. And I ended up in Disneyland (Which I'm sure is also metaphorically significant, but there are a lot of different ways you can pull that one). And it was terribly crowded, but while I was walking there, I met Emily and Angeline and French and Ashley. And they asked me what was wrong, because I was there by myself and must have looked terribly distraught. And I told them and cried.
And it was the weirdest thing. It- crying- wasn't strange or uncomfortable or embarassing like I'm sure it would be if I did it in real life in front of any of them. It just felt right. And they didn't try to make jokes, or make me feel better, or tell me to stop or put anything in perspective. They just let me cry and were there with me because that's what I needed.
That's what I always need, but don't actually posess from anyone I know. I don't even think Alix would do that. I can't think of one single person in the entire world, actually, where I wouldn't just be completely mortified to cry in front of. And that seems so ridiculously stupid and wrong, because I'm pretty sure that's what friends are for. But I can't think of anyone. I don't know anyone who I just... I don't know... Trust that much. Trust to take it and not judge me for anything. I just don't think any of them would.
But it was nice in the dream. It really was.
And... Jesus, I don't even know. I still feel a mess. And I don't even know what's wrong with me, or why, all of a sudden, all I do is cry and feel lonely and detached all the time, and all I do is sleep and feel like no one will understand.
Maybe that's just angst?
I just want things to be normal.
I think I'll just wait here in my room until everyone else goes to bed and then watch some old SNL's on TV and maybe eat something, even though I'm still not hungry. And then I can cry and be fragile and stupid and lonely and not feel bad about it.
I can just let it be what it is.