THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
This was funny, so it goes up. Thanks to Vanessa-osity-ful for sending it to me.
~~101 Rules for Pop-Punk Kids~~
1. Always wear something with pyramid studs on it.
2. Always wear a hemp bracelet or necklace, purchased from Pac Sun.
3. Listen to Blink 182, NFG, and other similarly styled groups. Claim that you were a fan before they ever went mainstream.
4. Constantly refer to yourself as "punk" or "hardcore".
5. Buy a cheap acoustic guitar.
6. Cover it with stickers and carry it with you wherever you go.
7. Play only Dashboard Confessional songs on your guitar, but claim that you write them if anybody doesn't recognize the song that you're playing.
8. Purchase the following shoes:
9. Chuck Taylors.
10. DC
11. Etnies.
12. Own t-shirts with the logos of every skateboard company in existance.
13. Purchase a skateboard. Carry it around everywhere, riding it only when girls are around.
14. Listen to your disc-man constantly. Turn the volume up so loud that you begin to go deaf.
15. Listen to Yellowcard, and claim that their use of violins is the "most brilliant move in music history".
16. Make frequent referances to your blood flowing.
17. Listen to various emo bands and claim them to be "deep" and "for real".
18. Have opinions about "important issues" based on what you saw on CNN.
19. Defend your opinions by calling other people "posers" or "fakes".
20. Claim that you would die at any time for your beleifs because you are "hardcore" and "for real".
21. Shop only at pawn shops, used record stores, and Army & Navy.
22. Search for and purchase obscure vinyl records.
23. Carry them around in your backpack to show them to people, claiming them to be :such an awesome band" and tell people that you've known about them for much longer than you have.
24. Search for and purchase obscure religious or philisophical texts and pretend to read them.
25. If anybody asks you what you're reading, tell them the title, and laugh derisively at them when they tell you they've never heard of it.
26. Purchase a Che Guevera poster.
27. Associate only with other pop-punk types.
28. Spend all your time together playing your out-of-tune acoustic guitars and discussing the latest pop-punk records and how "original" and "hardcore" they are.
29. Claim to hate Good Charlotte, but secretly listen to them constantly when you are home.
30. Ditto for The Bay City Rollers.
31. And Simple Plan.
32. Listen to The Used. Claim that Bert McCracken is the most hardcore guy you've ever heard.
33. Form a band with other equallly un-talented wannabe musicians.
34. Buy a VW bus or large van to drive your parent-purchased gear to shows.
35. Call your band "The ______" because you're incredibly harcore and original.
36. Play only covers of songs that are played constantly on the radio.
37. Idolize the members of Blink 182.
38. Claim that they are "genuine punk rock music" and that they are "incredibly original" and "started the modern genre of punk".
39. Quit your band because you are too good for them.
40. Form a new band and write your own songs.
41. Try to write songs that will invoke mosh pits.
42. Yell "Oi! Oi! Oi!" at least once in every one of your songs.
43. Use variations of the same 4 power-chord progressions for all of your songs.
44. Tell everybody how long you've played yoru guitar, which is obviously longer than they have.
45. Make up the names of "punk bands" and laugh at people who ahven't heard of them.
46. Tell people how long you've been a fan of the bands that you list in your MSN profile, which is obviously longer than they have, because youre a diehard fan.
47. Change your screename to "yellowcardNFGemoBLINKdude182".
48. Purchase a pair of orange dickies pants.
49. Wear 2 spiked belts crossed around your hips, but not through the loops of your pants.
50. Wear a "seatbelt" style belt.
51. Wear your pants so low that your boxers are constantly visible.
52. Bandy about the word "conformist" like you're being paid for each usage.
53. Tell people you're an "anarchist" and you know all about "anarchy".
54. Claim to listen to the Sex Pistols.
55. Claim to listen to the Ramones, when in reality the only songs you can name by them are "I wanna be sedated" and "Blitzkreig Bop"
56. Do this so people will beleive that you actually know what punk music is.
57. You have no idea what punk music is.
58. Defend your musical tastes by claiming that you heard of the band you're listening to before they ever released a major-label debut.
59. Listen to Thursday and Thrice.
60. Quote lyrics from emo songs in every conversation.
61. Write songs about your blood flowing.
62. Try unsucessfully to form a scream band because you can't scream and have no talent on a guitar.
63. Whine all the time.
64. Talk your parents into buying you a drumkit.
65. Tell everybody that you play the drums.
66. Carry drumsticks and guitar picks in your bag/pocket all the time.
67. Put an A for anarchy symbol on your guitar.
68. Throw the horns, but with your thumb instead of just 2 fingers.
69. GEt your ears peirced.
70. Claim that you got your ears peirced for some deep, spiritual reason, because you're "totally hardcore" and "for real".
71. Buy 80's style sunglasses.
72. Buy a trucker hat and wear it sideways.
73. Have at least 5 Famous Stars and Stripes t-shirts.
74. Have a chain going from your belt-loop to your wallet.
75. Start a "side project" that consiste of you playing acoustic covers of Blink 182 songs.
76. Start smoking because it makes you look cool.
77. Put a "Something Corporate" sticker on your parent purchased disc man.
78. Take it off because Something Corportae have become sellouts.
79. Talk constantly about "sellout bands" and how they're not true punk.
80. Talk constantly about making it big with your band. Claim that you'd neverbe sellouts and would always stay true to the fans and to "punk rock music" because you're so "hardcore" and "for real".
81. Purchase a hoodie.
82. Cover it with patches of various lame pop-punk bands, attatched with safety-pins.
83. Waer the same hoodie every day; never wash it.
84. Get your parenst to buy you some ridiculously expensive skate shoes.
85. Waer then everywhere, untied, with stupidly thick parent-purchased red laces.
86. Get a nautical star tattowed on your arm or leg.
87. Tell everyone about how spiritual your tattoo experience was and how original it makes you.
88. Own at least one baby blue pair of pants or shirt.
89. Buy a paper-thin second hand leather jacket and cover it in pyramid studs.
90. Wear a knitted wool hat all the time. Even in the summer.
91. Get your parents to buy you one of those stupid jean jackets that cost about 200 dollars and are new but look old and tattered.
92. Get a job at Mc Donal's and then spend all your money on the newest, latest, lame pop-punk band releases.
93. Talk about how capitolism is ruining America, and that anarchy is the best system.
94. When asked what anarchy is, say "no government" and walk away mumbling about "uninformend, uneducated people".
95. Brow sideburns, and grow your hair out so that your bangs cover your eyes.
96. Tell everyone how cool you are because of your hardcore and original tastes in real punk rock music.
97. Memorize the names of various old punk bands, and interject them at random into conversation to try to appear more genuine. If asked what your favorite songs is, reply "I like all of them" or "I just listen to the albums, I don't really know all the songs".
98. Go to shows, no matter who is playing. Tell everybody about how great you are because you support the local independant music scene.
99. Purchase the Clash t-shirt that says "The Only Band That Matters" even though you can't name a single member of the band, or even name one of their albums with the possible exception of London Calling.
100. Spike your hair because that makes you cool and hardcore.
101. End up lonely, broke, and friendless because verybody but you realizes what a pathetic wannabe poser who wishes that he was punk but tries so hard it sickens people you are.
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Hmmm....Despite how long and slightly depressing that was to type (only because I know so many people just like that), it made me very happy to be sitting in my bedroom listening to the first AFI album (back when they sang about cereal and said fuck a lot...Which is funny in retrospect) and wearing lime green stripey kneesocks, and docs that I got at some thrift store in Ireland that say "RAYS SHOE 88" on one side....With my P.E. shorts.
Anyway. I hope you enjoyed that.