THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
They hit me where it hurt the most.
And they know it.
I just got lectured.
About my attitude. About how I treat people. About how I respond to people.
And now they have taken away my stereo (literally unplugged it- knocking over everything by it- and taken it god knows where) and my CD player. And all my CDs.
Little do they know that I still have two fully functioning portables in my closet, several pairs of headphones, and my computer- which plays CDs just fine.
But it's risky. And I know I'm an idiot for it. But music is the only thing I know. And I can't function without it.
I don't even give a fuck what it is.
Just anything to get rid of silence. Because in silence, your mind wanders. And I'm afraid of that.
So I'm listening to some No Doubt CD on my computer. Right after they fucking lectured me about it.
And all I can think of is what an idiot I am.
And what idiots they are. Because this kind of punishment has never done anything but make me rebel. And why they don't know that....I have yet to discover.
And all I want to do is cry. Because I'm just a stupid bitch and I never know what I do or think about what I say. And I don't want to be responsible for it. I want to just blame someone else.
And I'm mad because now I don't know how the hell I can do anything.
And I feel lost. Because they took away (to the best of their knowledge) one of the only things I ever think about, and the one place I felt safe.
And it doesn't seem like it should be a big deal.
But it is.
It's like when...When Ranger died.
It's having a part of you gone. And your used to it being there.
And then you don't know how to do anything whithout it. And all you do is think about it. And how much you want it.
I guess I blame all of this on him. I blame it all on never going back there that last day.
If I could never hear anything again, I would. If I could see him.
But can't. And I never will be able to.
And everytime something goes wrong, I just think back to that day...That phone call.
And I think about how if he were here, everything would still be okay.
And I wouldn't have "attitude problems". And I wouldn't have to be so dependant on one thing. I wouldn'y have to be afraid of my own thoughts.
And then I could be happy.
But now I don't even think that that's true.
I'm dying here.
And from such a small thing.
And I'm lost.
And I miss him so much.