THOSE WHO SUFFER LOVE
I know this is like the thousandth entry today. But I can't help it.
I'm lonely.
And I have the weird feeling like something big is about to happen. And i won't see it until afterwards. And then it will be a missed chance.
I don't know. I can't explain it.
My mood is fucked and I refuse to let myself sleep.
I was such a mess this afternoon. I couldn't stand being here. And my parents knew it.
They also knew that I was sitting alone in my bedroom with all of the lights off and loud music playing because I was really upset.
And they didn't care.
I kept waiting for someone to come in and ask me what was wrong. Not like I would have answered. It's just nice to know that someone actually cares. I kept waiting for someone to knock on my door. To talk to me. To say anything.
They could have just told me about laundry, for all I cared. I just wanted some other person.
And no one came.
For hours.
I just sat. Waiting. And they just sat and numbed their minds in front of the television, amusing my sister. While she babbling incessantly.
It's nice to know some people find such pleasure in such a revolting activity.
I hate the television.
The only time I ever watch TV is when I need to shut myself out from my own thoughts. I've found it's quite effective.
I think that this is the problem with the Television. It was designed to shut yourself from your mind. Just numb everything out.
And after hours, when they were all still sitting there, dazed and stupid in the face of the flashing screen, I just sat on the kitchen floor and listening to the news on the radio. I tried to keep myself under control.
It didn't work very well.
I'm always afraid that at times like those I will do something truly idiotic.
It's not like anyone would care anyway.
I almost feel sorry for them.
I feel sorry for a lot of people, really.
And so I wonder...My life in comparison to theirs....Do I lead what is destined to be a remarkably small life?
Hey. Like parents like offspring.
But I don't even care.
I don't care about anything except escaping here. I care about my friends, who seem to be the only ones who actually give a damn about my mental health ((and only a few of them at that. I think that what people don't realize is that when they sit there and hurl insult after insult at me and still call themselves my friends, I tend to think otherwise. That's what really lets you know who's there for you. If people are willing to stop caring about themselves and think about me, even though I don't deserve it, you know you can trust them)).
And I still care about music.
But that's about it.
I care about my future. Depsite my parents' thoughts. Despite the fact that they have nearly told me that they think I am a loser who will work at McDonalds her whole life. I know what I want.
And fuck you.
I'll be there. And I won't even call you. I won't even think about you.
And you probably won't care anyway.
....
I need someone here.
I need distraction from my own mind.